I remember Ruth’s B is for Breastfeeding posting few months back. Now that Lizzie is out and me and my wife are struggling with Breastfeeding, i thought it’d be helpful to provide a man’s perspective on the issue.
I decided for this post that I won’t go through the technical cost-benefit analysis of breast milk vs formula milk, which can easily be found on google, wikipedia etc. Suffice to say, breast milk is good as it is customised for your baby and is full of antioxidants and antibodies, but in the end, if it doesn’t turn out to be successful, formula milk is more than an able substitute. Lots of us are living proof of that. Just ask your parents.
In deciding what to do, I feel there are 2 key points which you’ll do well to take heed.
- If you decide to breastfeed, do so immediately and stick with it even when the going gets tough. Bottle feeding of formula milk interferes with your breast feeding so do not be in two minds about it. You will know when to stop later on. Even though your breast doesn’t produce milk initially, it is being stimulated by suckling.
- However, if your struggle with breastfeeding begins to impact your spiritual, family and love for the child. Breast feeding is not easy. It might lead to disappointment with self, anger at child, a sense of hopelessness etc. In this case, it might be wise to consider bottle feeding. Raising a child is more than just feeding him or her the best milk around. It is about loving each other and loving the child.
It has been a personal struggle for Sarah and myself to establish breastfeeding for lizzie. We are still working at it even today, after 19 days. She has drifted in and out of depression a number of times, understandably because we all want the best for our kid. It has also been emotionally trying for myself. When wife cries, baby cries, the husband must not cry. He must stay strong and comfort first the mother and the child.
Now how do you comfort the wife?
In the past, when we encounter problems in our relationship, or when she’s feeling down, I’ll try to comfort her like this.
"Why do you feel this way?" or
"Let’s look at this rationally…"
THIS DOES NOT WORK. I know because I have tried this for the past 11 years. The last thing a woman needs is a breakdown and a thorough analysis of her problem and a lecture on the options available to her. Her problem is not solved like a mathematics 10 year series question with a model answer.
Instead, I have learnt that sometimes, a more effective way is to say nothing, and just give her a hug. An even more effective way is to pray with her and to entrust to God her problem. Ruth, who has been a great help all the way, smsed me 3 helpful mantras/"incantations" to chant to Sarah":)
- We’re in this together.
- I love you.
- This won’t last long.
That said, let me share that Sarah broke down one evening recently and could scarcely be comforted. I tried to show her support, but I think her sadness overwhelmed her to the point where she just wanted to be left alone. I was pushed away after trying to hug her and at that point of time, anger burned inside me for here was I trying to help in difficult circumstances and she just rejected my comfort. I pulled away from her and just went in the toilet to spend some time by myself. I was feeling totally dejected and helpless then. That made matters worse. She went down for a walk by herself when I was in the toilet. When I came out, I discovered she was not around and quickly went downstairs to look for her, afraid that she will do something stupid. I was so relieved to have found her just walking downstairs and was sorry that I ever left her for a while.
I share this with you because in retrospect, what I did wasn’t helpful and was mighty selfish. Here are some tips on what husbands should do.
- Love your wives as Christ loves the Church. Read Eph 5:22-31. Christ loved us so much that He died for sinners such as us. It is unconditional agape love. You love your wife because you must, not for what she is, or what she does. And love your wife more than your child.
- Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness and lead the family in doing so. I can’t explain how to avoid sin in words as eloquent and succinct as John Wesley’s mother. When asked for a definition for sin by her son, she replied "Son, whatever
weakens your reasoning, impairs the tenderness of your conscience,
obscures your sense of God, or takes away your relish for spiritual
things. In short, if anything increases the authority and the power of
the flesh over the spirit, that to you becomes sin however good it is in and of itself." In all decisions, remember to seek God’s Kingdom and all these (other) things will be given unto you. If whatever you try to do, no matter how good it is in itself(aka breastfeeding) impacts other aspects and takes you away from God, then please reconsider it. - Know that God loves your wife more than you do. And because you know that, you trust that God will take care of her more than you can ever do. So just do your best and trust God.
- Control your anger and frustrations. I’m not a person that is easily angered. Yet, I find anger and frustration welling up every now and then when my wife breaks down inexplicably. This anger, if left unchecked and expressed explicitly, has destructive power. So be careful.
- Pray until you pray. It is in times of helplessness like these that makes you turn to prayer. So pray to God and count your blessings.
- Massage your wife’s breast for her. I had to add this in as my only practical/hands on advice. Take part in her breastfeeding routine and show that you care.
God has been kind to us. Sarah and I are doing much better now, and I think through these trials, he has shown us what it means to love Him and to love each other.
So newly married couples, are you ready for a kid?!!!
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