The day we met…

It’s Valentine’s day on Tuesday.  But more significantly, 7 Feb 1995 marks the start of my relationship with Sarah. So last week marked almost 11 years of us being together.

I met Sarah when we were in Anglo-Chinese Junior College.  We were both part of the band; she played the trumpet, while I played the euphonium.  Looking back, I "went steady" with her under circumstances which only God could have ordained.

Let me explain.  The whole incident involved me becoming angry over being denied the opportunity to go back with her on our daily commute back from school, because she didn’t want her friend to get the wrong idea about us.  I was angry because I liked her and was looking forward to taking the long MRT ride back with her .  But providence has it that somehow, I bumped into her at the MRT station and we did take the train back together.  In walking her to her place, I showed my frustration.  (Sarah will tell you that I slammed my file into a pillar, but I don’t remember that.).  At this point of time, Sarah suspected something.  So we stopped at a busstop near her house, and she asked me whether I had anything to tell her.  I was a novice in relationships that time so I was contemplating whether this was moving all too fast.  This took quite a while.  (5 buses passed as we were just sitting there).  Finally, I told her I liked her.  She said she liked me too but asked if I was a Christian.  I said I believed in God, but I need more time to explore (Looking back, I probably believed in God, but didn’t know about Christ, but that’s a seperate story.)  There and then, we became a couple. Shortly a week after, I gave her a carnation for Valentine’s day.  I wanted to be special, and didn’t want to seem too forthcoming with a rose.  I honestly didn’t know that carnations were meant for mothers!

As any couple, for 11 years, we been through plenty of ups and downs.  The thing about starting so young is that you don’t really know what you’re in for, and you haven’t really sorted out your priorities yet.  I wouldn’t recommend it.  However, because I’ve ended up marrying Sarah, I appreciate the fact that we have grown up together.

One of our storybook moments in our JC life was a dispute we had about going out with friends.  She wanted to go home with me alone, but I was half-hearted about it as I wanted to go out with our friends.  Sarah couldn’t take my indecision so she got up bus No. 14, and left without me.  She was crying on the bus.  I decided to chase her.  After struggling to get a cab for 10 minutes, another bus No. 14 came and I decided to take it in hope that I could catch up with her at a later stage.  This, in all logicality, was a stupid move as it is almost impossible for the bus to catch up with her bus.  But catch up it did!  I still remember getting off at the Fort Road bus stop, and getting on her bus.  I quickly rushed upstairs to look for her and could see that she was crying.  I bet she was glad to see me.  That probably saved our relationship.

Sarah waited for me for 4 years, while I studied overseas and came back twice a year (once during Christmas and once during summer).  As she will tell you, maintaining a long-distance relationship is not easy.  We were just going through the cards and stuff which she sent me over the 4 years and you could tell how much she missed me, and how much she thought of me.  On my side, I was just going through the motions of keeping in touch with her with a daily email devoid of emotions or sharing.  We talked over the phone every few days, although sometimes, the conversation would just be silence, because we had nothing to say to each other, and I was too preoocupied with my own activities.  The testing moment came when I confessed to her of my infatuations for other women when I was overseas.  Though I was tempted, thank God I did not act on them.  I imagine it must have been difficult for her to continue to hold on to our relationship, given that she hardly shared my uni life with me and she didn’t know what I was doing there.  However, she prayerfully decided to persevere. We agreed that we would not break up because of a third party and that we would give it a try. 

The main issue of contention in our relationship was one of inferority and respect.  Throughout the years, Sarah always felt inferior to myself, because I had the privilege of studying overseas, I did well in my exams. In contrast, she struggled through her A levels, and got her degree and went into teaching.  As such, she almost always deferred to what I wanted to do, such that she felt that she had lost her identity.  For myself, I think I did look down on her if not consciously then sub-consciously.  I often wondered how life would be different if I were to pursue my infatuations, or if I were to marry someone who is a high-achieving, power-dressing woman instead.

By God’s grace, we worked through the issue.  God helped us to grow by seeing each other through His eyes.  1 Samuel 16:7 says, as Samuel is searching for a King to replace Saul. "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.  Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."  Indeed, we learnt not to see with the eye (using it as a benchmark) but through the eye. 

Sarah has grown into a confident and capable woman whom I truly love and respect.  A good friend of mine told me that she’s a true model of submission as a wife.  She’s not a wife that says yes to everything that I suggest, or does all the chores, but she’s one that stands up to me when she thinks I’m wrong, yet respects me as the head of the household.  Another good friend of mine who is single shared with me that if he were ever to get attached, he’ll look for someone like Sarah.  I thought that was one of the greatest compliments to her. 

It is a cliche to say that Sarah brings out the best in me, but I’d say it anyway.  She told me that she constantly prayed for me to know Christ, and for God to use me when I was overseas.  Indeed God answered her prayers.  It was in England that I attended my first Christian fellowship, my first bible study, and church regularly.  It was therefore fitting for me to be baptised in England in front of my parents and of her. 

For myself, I like to think I’m making progress.  I no longer yearn and seek the relatives, but strive to obey the absolutes. As you grow
older and older, things change from absolute to
relative if you don’t keep your eye on the only Absolute in the universe, God.  When you enter the
workforce, you will be tempted by the “system” to think in relative
terms. “I made more money.” “I have a nicer car.” “I went on a better
vacation.”"I go to church, he doesn’t". "At least I know Christ, even though he makes more money." "He has a prettier wife" etc. 

Now that Sarah and I are married and have a kid, we have many more new challenges ahead.  But from the track record, I can be confident that God is watching us every step of the way, as he will with you.

Thanks for reading this long rambling.

 

Guinness is good for you

We start them young nowadays. Not sure how many of you heard of this, but my confinement nanny tells me this is widely known. Bathing your kid in hot water mixed with Guinness gives her smooth skin. So, Lizzie’s been taking the opportunity to snatch a sip during her bathtime (hic!) for the past month.

Being the born skeptic that I am, I googled about guinness. To my surprise, a whole folklore has sprung up around this beverage. People refer to Guinness to end the gout, bathe newborns, wear as
cologne and serve in place of a food group at meals. Indeed, to many
people, Guinness is its own food group. I’m going to try one at her next bath time….

B is Breastfeeding – A husband’s take

I remember  Ruth’s B is for Breastfeeding posting few months back.  Now that Lizzie is out and me and my wife are struggling with Breastfeeding, i thought it’d be helpful to provide a man’s perspective on the issue.

I decided for this post that I won’t go through the technical cost-benefit analysis of breast milk vs formula milk, which can easily be found on google, wikipedia etc.  Suffice to say, breast milk is good as it is customised for your baby and is full of antioxidants and antibodies, but in the end, if it doesn’t turn out to be successful, formula milk is more than an able substitute.  Lots of us are living proof of that.  Just ask your parents. 

In deciding what to do, I feel there are 2 key points which you’ll do well to take heed.

1. If you decide to breastfeed, do so immediately and stick with it even when the going gets tough.  Bottle feeding of formula milk interferes with your breast feeding so do not be in two minds about it.  You will know when to stop later on.   Even though your breast doesn’t produce milk initially, it is being stimulated by suckling.
2. However, if your struggle with breastfeeding begins to impact your spiritual, family and love for the child.  Breast feeding is not easy.  It might lead to disappointment with self, anger at child, a sense of hopelessness etc.  In this case, it might be wise to consider bottle feeding.  Raising a child is more than just feeding him or her the best milk around.  It is about loving each other and loving the child.

It has been a personal struggle for Sarah and myself to establish breastfeeding for lizzie.  We are still working at it even today, after 19 days.  She has drifted in and out of depression a number of times, understandably because we all want the best for our kid.   It has also been emotionally trying for myself.  When wife cries, baby cries, the husband must not cry.  He must stay strong and comfort first the mother and the child. 

Now how do you comfort the wife?

In the past, when we encounter problems in our relationship, or when she’s feeling down, I’ll try to comfort her like this.

"Why do you feel this way?" or
"Let’s look at this rationally…"

THIS DOES NOT WORK.  I know because I have tried this for the past 11 years. The last thing a woman needs is a breakdown and a thorough analysis of her problem and a lecture on the options available to her.  Her problem is not solved like a mathematics 10 year series question with a model answer.

Instead, I have learnt that sometimes, a more effective way is to say nothing, and just give her a hug.  An even more effective way is to pray with her and to entrust to God her problem.  Ruth, who has been a great help all the way, smsed me 3 helpful mantras/"incantations" to chant to Sarah":)

1. We’re in this together.
2. I love you.
3. This won’t last long.

That said, let me share that Sarah broke down one evening recently and could scarcely be comforted.  I tried to show her support, but I think her sadness overwhelmed her to the point where she just wanted to be left alone.  I was pushed away after trying to hug her and at that point of time, anger burned inside me for here was I trying to help in difficult circumstances and she just rejected my comfort.  I pulled away from her and just went in the toilet to spend some time by myself.  I was feeling totally dejected and helpless then.  That made matters worse.  She went down for a walk by herself when I was in the toilet.  When I came out, I discovered she was not around and quickly went downstairs to look for her, afraid that she will do something stupid.  I was so relieved to have found her just walking downstairs and was sorry that I ever left her for a while.

I share this with you because in retrospect, what I did wasn’t helpful and was mighty selfish.   Here are some tips on what husbands should do.

1. Love your wives as Christ loves the Church.  Read Eph 5:22-31.  Christ loved us so much that He died for sinners such as us.  It is unconditional agape love.  You love your wife because you must, not for what she is, or what she does.  And love your wife more than your child.
2. Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness and lead the family in doing so.  I can’t explain how to avoid sin in words as eloquent and succinct as John Wesley’s mother.  When asked for a definition for sin by her son, she replied  "Son, whatever
   weakens your reasoning, impairs the tenderness of your conscience,
   obscures your sense of God, or takes away your relish for spiritual
   things. In short, if anything increases the authority and the power of
   the flesh over the spirit, that to you becomes sin however good it is in and of itself."  In all decisions, remember to seek God’s Kingdom and all these (other) things will be given unto you.  If whatever you try to do, no matter how good it is in itself(aka breastfeeding) impacts other aspects and takes you away from God, then please reconsider it.
3. Know that God loves your wife more than you do. And because you know that, you trust that God will take care of her more than you can ever do.  So just do your best and trust God.
4. Control your anger and frustrations.  I’m not a person that is easily angered. Yet, I find anger and frustration welling up every now and then when my wife breaks down inexplicably.  This anger, if left unchecked and expressed explicitly, has destructive power.  So be careful.
5. Pray until you pray.  It is in times of helplessness like these that makes you turn to prayer.  So pray to God and count your blessings.
6. Massage your wife’s breast for her.  I had to add this in as my only practical/hands on advice.  Take part in her breastfeeding routine and show that you care.

God has been kind to us.  Sarah and I are doing much better now, and I think through these trials, he has shown us what it means to love Him and to love each other. 

So newly married couples, are you ready for a kid?!!!

Lessons from labour

Genesis 3:16 (KJV) sayeth:

"Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy
conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire
shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee."

These are some of the lessons I learnt from labour. (P.S. These are from a husband’s perspective as he sees his wife groaning in labour)

1. Woman are truly brave.  While almost every woman that I know screams and shrieks at the sight of creepy crawlies, one wonders how they can endure 19 hours of pain, vomitting and fear while pressing on towards the goal.  Guys on the other hand, try to look macho by crushing cockroaches with their slippers, but when we are down with the slightest of fever, we act like invalids and are incapacitatted.
2. God loves us more than we love each other.  During the labour, the thought of losing Sarah almost overwhelmed me as I saw her blood pressure dropping, and her blood flowing after.  But my comfort came when God reminded me that He loves her infinitely more than I do, and will do all things for her good.
3. Trust in God.  That brings me to Trusting in God.  Pregnancy and Labour are a clear reminder that so many things are out of our control as so many things can go wrong.  The only person we can confidently put our trust in is God, who created and sustains all things.  Colossians 1:16-17 (NASB) "For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities – all things have been created through Him and for Him.  He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
   "  The hymn lines that really spoke to me are "When every earthly prop gives way, he then is all my hope and stay."  Jesus was my hope and stay during Sarah’s labour.
4. Power of Christian Brotherhood and Prayer.  During Sarha’s labour, what kept me going besides the knowledge of Christ was the knowledge that my christian brothers and sisters everywhere were praying for God’s will.  It might be a simple prayer that you said, which took just 1 minute of your time, but let me assure you it made all the difference in the world.

Let me end by quoting Psalm 139:13-16, which tells us of God’s plan for all of us.  Indeed, all of us are knitted by God, and fearfully and wonderfully made, regardless of who we are.

For you formed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. 
14I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^[a]
Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well. 
15My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 
16Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there were none of them.

Blow by Blow account of Lizzie’s Birth – Courtesy of Fang

I reproduce in its entirety. This was scribed by Fang, after interviewing Sarah. As you can probably tell, I didn’t have much to do with it, as it deliberately puts me in a bad light .

10 Jan
Prior to 2230 – At Sarah’s in-laws house, Sarah chases Kaif to go home to pack but Kaif was playing VJ Singh 3D Golf on his handphone and was winning, so didn’t want to leave.
2230 – Sarah discovered bleeding when she went to toilet. Informed Kaif. Kaif called Dr Adrian Tan, who advised them to stay at home and observe for an hour.
Before 2300 – Kaif went home to pack and download emails. Sarah stayed at in-laws. Before Kaif was done Sarah’s water bag broke. But she thought she was bleeding profusely (bad news).
2300 – 0000 – In-laws rushed Sarah to hospital and discovered it wasn’t the placenta blocking the birth passage. So no need for C-section.

11 Jan

0000-0100 – In observation room. Nurses observing contractions. While Sarah was experiencing contractions, Kaif had cup noodles supper outside.

0200 – Moved to labour ward. Contractions more intensive and frequent.

0400 – Pain too much to bear. Sarah took epidural (i.e. tiny tube into spine). (Sarah could hear the screams of the women in other labour wards giving birth without epidural.) Epidural causes Sarah to vomit and have headache. But Sarah praises God for epidural. Slept a bit.

0900 – Adrian came in and saw that dilation was 7cm. He said Sarah would deliver by noon.

0900 -1300 – No progress. Baby’s heartbeat dropped. Sarah’s contractions got less frequent. Sarah didn’t get enough oxygen. So nurses gave Sarah oxygen. Adrian gave antibiotics and medicine for Sarah’s fever and to speed up the birth.

1300 – Contractions more intense and frequent.

1600 – Sarah could feel baby come. Informed Adrian. Adrian said should deliver by evening.

1822 – Baby’s Out. 50cm long 3.38kg. Sarah lost a lot of blood because of long labour. But thank God there wasn’t a need for blood transfusion. Kaif promised to buy Sarah anything she wanted. Sarah thinks: “Nothing can satisfy at this point of time!”

Meet Lizzie!

Managed to get out for a quick breather while Sarah’s going for her mothering/Breastfeeding class.  It has been a crazy 24 hours.  But both of us (sarah and myself) have learnt so much about God’s grace and love over the difficult labour.  Will blog about it when I have the time.  In short, her mother lost quite a bit of blood and lizzie was in distress for a while.

Meanwhile, here are some lovely photos of Elizabeth Chng Ying.  She was born at 1822hrs on 11 Jan 2006 at Thomson Medical Centre.  Weight 3.38kg.

Thank you for all your prayers!

Useful Web Applications

Since its the new year and I’m trying to get things sorted out, I thought I’d share the following list of web applications that I use.  If you have time, try them.  I promise you won’t regret it.

• Gmail – Best email service so far.  Fast, and intuitive.  Groups email threads by conversations, and allows you to add emails to multiple folders, rather than 1 email to 1 folder.  Let me know if you need an invite.
• Airset – I use this for maintaining an online calendar/diary.  It allows you to make public part of your calendar for people to see.
• Pandora – Online music streaming.  Type an artist, or song that you like and it will create your own radio station for you based on your tastes.
• Voo2do – Best task manager online.  Very fast, and keeps it simple.  Track your to-dos by category, due date.  Good for busy people.
• Writely – Microsoft Word online.  Who needs to dish out $300 bucks for Microsoft Office when you have this.  You can even use it to collaborate with others.
• Bloglines – RSS readers online.  I read many of your blogs and use bloglines to ensure that I keep up to date with the latest entries.  I also use it to manage email subscriptions and to read news.
• MeetWithApproval – Simple invitation list manager like evite, except that it is much simpler.  Very easy to use, and to arrange for meetings.  Useful for DG outings.
• Del.icio.us – Online social bookmarking manager.  Very useful to maintain an online list of your bookmarks.
• Flickr - Online photo sharing – Great interface, and great community to share your photos with.
• Typepad – Simple paid-for blogging service that I’m using for this blog.  I like it because I’m lazy to code HTML.
• Basecamp - Best software for Project Management.  If you need to coordinate a project for a team complete with deadlines and calendar, there is no better software than this
• Backpack – I used to use this as a personal information manager, to-do list manager and journal.  Its simple and intuitive and rather effective.  I’m trying out voo2do now but Backpack is great software nonetheless.  The chaps running it are an amazing bunch of geniuses.
• Openomy - Online file storage with tagging (i.e. files can belong in multiple categories).  Who needs usb thumb drives anymore.
• istockphoto – When preparing presentations, esp for marketing people, there is no better place to get quality photos.  You have to pay a small price but it is worth it.

That is all I use so far.  Feel free to try them out and let me kknow what you think.

Comeback from the dead

You could say that this comeback pails in comparison with Christ’s resurrection, but hey, at least I’m making an effort.
I have taken a 3 month break deliberately, ever since I changed jobs.  It’s been difficult, struggling to make time for family and God, let alone for this blog.  I felt it wouldn’t be good if I were to continue spending time on my blog rather than on my family and God. 
Now that the new year as come, I have a few resolutions which I hope you guys will keep me to.

1. To walk closely with God, consistently and earnestly.  "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and his righteousness."
2. Lead my family in their walk with God
3. Encourage others.

This blog contributes to no. 3.   
Meanwhile, have a happy new year.  You’d be hearing more from me, and my journey with my family over the next year, as we deal with a new addition to our midst soon.  Her name is Elizabeth.  Watch out for her!

Press Release – Baby Name for Kid

Baby names are significant.  The Couple has been studying this idea
for over a year.  The issue has been debated intensely, both among the
public and within the Couple.  Many friends have spoken up both for and
against some of the suggestions.

2    To assess the viability of baby names, the Couple called a
Request-For-Concept (RFC) in Sept 2005, to invite interested players to
submit concept proposals for 2 baby names.  The RFC attracted 19 bids.
After studying the bids and considering all views expressed, the Couple
has decided to proceed with 2 names, Portia and Elizabeth.

3    Today, I will explain how the Couple reached this decision, and
the key policy considerations behind the decision.  I also want to
acknowledge the concerns of those who oppose or have expressed
reservations on the suggestions, and explain how we propose to limit
any negative impact.  Finally, I hope to bring everyone together, so
that even though we may not all agree on the suggestions, we understand
and respect each other’s reasons and concerns, and can close ranks and
move ahead.

RESULTS OF THE RFC

4    The RFC was a success.  Many of the bidders were leading
baby-namers in the industry which had named high-quality babies
elsewhere, and had solid track records and international reputations to
protect.  They had formed consortia with renowned baby-makers and
creative firms, and obviously put a great deal of effort into their
proposals.  Several bidders said this would be their flagship baby.

5    Before making a decision, the Couple viewed the suggestions and
were briefs on the positives and negatives.  We found this very helpful
in understanding what baby names were about.

Assessment

6   We had decided on Portia and Elizabeth for a variety of reasons. 

7    First Portia.  The name "Portia" in latin means "Offering to
God".  The Couple’s desire is to offer the child to God for his
service.  Portia is also a major character in Shakespeare’s famous
play, The Merchant of Venice.  In the play, Portia provides one of the
Shakespeare’s most memorable speechs on the quality of mercy.  Our hope
is that the child will grow up to understand God’s justice, and
correspondingly God’s mercy.

"The quality of mercy is not strained.
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
‘Tis mightiest in the mightiest; it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown.
His scepter shows the force of temporal power,
The attribute to awe and majesty,
Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings.
But mercy is above this sceptered sway;
It is enthroned in the hearts of kings;
It is an attribute of God himself;
And earthly power doth then show like God’s
When mercy seasons justice.”

8   The couple recognises that the name ‘Portia’ could sound
pompous, and might be mispronounced as "Porsche" or "Port-Tia".
However, weighing the pros and the cons, the Couple decided that Portia
offered a unique proposition, and would distinguish our child from
other children. 

9    The other choice we decided on was "Elizabeth".  "Elizabeth"
means consecrated to God, or set apart for God.  We want her to be set
apart for God’s service.  Elizabeth in the Bible was the mother of John
the Baptist, and the wife of Zacharias.  Both husband and wife were
righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and
statutes of the Lord.  But Elizabeth was barren.  However God promised
both of them that they will give birth to a son, and they shall call
him John, and said that heir son will be he Elijah, and turn their
people back to Him.  Elizabeth was faithful and trusted God for His
word.   

10   One added consideration for ‘Elizabeth’ was its regal sound,
and the capacity for the name to endear itself to others through short
variations such as ‘Lizzie’, ‘Liz’, ‘Beth’.  It would also prove to be
difficult for any would-be delinquents or naughty children to contort
or maul the name, causing psychological damage to the child.

Conclusion

11   In conclusion, the couple would like to thank all who have
contributed to the naming process.  When our daughter grows up, we will
share with her the genesis of the name and the rich meaning of the name
we had given to her, in hope that she will be set apart for God’s
service.

Soli Deo Gloria

Kaif and Sarah

Looking back

"I was just thinking, last time when we were young, I was praying and wishing that you were beside me just beside me.  And now, you are beside me!"

"Yep.  Ok, go to sleep."